Saturday, April 7, 2012

Your Husband's 'Deadly Rival'

©2008-2013 The Seductive Woman

Hi cupcake!

I think it would be very interesting to know how many husbands and wives began drifting APART with the arrival of the first baby/babies. 

Even though children are supposed to be the TIE that binds a man and woman together in a relationship (in their love, hopes and ambitions for their children, a man and a woman often become two souls with a single desire,) it's not always the case. 

It's often for the sake of their children that many men and women endure marriages that they've sadly come to hate, and feel bound together like prisoners.

Children don't always draw husbands and wives closer together. They just as often push them APART, and when this happens, it's often more the woman's fault than the man's. 

Few men prefer their children ABOVE their wives. But for many women, their husbands seem to exist only as their children's father, and as purveyors to their children. 

One of the greatest relationship mistakes that a woman can make is to make her child/children the chief interest and center of her life. 

I've even noticed this on facebook. Some women will only ever post on their profiles comments about how wonderful/cute/endearing/funny their children are, as well as generally post photos only of their children. 

Their MEN rarely feature as an important and meaningful part in their lives *sigh.* 

I wonder how their men feel about this, dove?

You may also have noticed this with your own friends and family members.

Even without being constantly shown-off on facebook, the arrival of the FIRST baby/babies can definitely put a man's nose out of joint. Up until that time, he alone was 'number one' in his domestic realm.

But that feeling can stop quite suddenly (and completely.)

Prior to the arrival of the first baby/babies, a man's wife may have;

Put on her prettiest clothes for him.

Adorned herself becomingly for him. 

**As a feminine and seductive woman, who wants to keep your man's interest, never forget to maintain your feminine beauty, seductiveness, appeal and mystique for your husband - even when you become a new mother. 

Do be a 'yummy mummy' *smile.*

Been his daily chum and playmate. 

Made an effort to amuse and entertain him. 

Cared for his comfort.

Ensured he had the best of everything....

**Naturally, with such PREFERENTIAL treatment from a wife, a husband would be reveling in the bliss of being in the center of the stage, of being so obviously admired (a great need of men,) and having the spotlight turned always on him. 

But as soon as the new baby/babies arrived, and from having been the honored 'King,' or head of the house, the husband may suddenly find himself becoming invisible - with no one to admire him or cater to him.

How deflating for a man, dove!

In addition, his wife may;

No longer seem to care about her femininity, charm or whether he admires her or not. 

Not appear concerned about what sort of a figure she cuts in his eyes (she may now make little or no effort with her looks, and often looks sloppy and unfeminine around the house.)

Stop having chatty, pleasurable or romantic evenings at home with him - because she's always off worshiping at the baby's shrine!

Quit reading anything but childcare books.

Has become intellectually un-stimulating (her conversation may be about as stimulating as sterilized milk!)

Is always too busy with the baby to show her husband any of the little 'geisha-like' attentions that men crave (or to even see that he has the things he likes to eat.)

Refuse to get a babysitter so they can go out on social/date nights - because she just can't leave the baby!

**If a new mother's husband does manage to drag her out, she may interrupt the most relaxing and enjoyable part of the evening by voicing her concerns about the baby. 

I tell you, lovely, there are millions of homes where the husbands are suffering - because they're run exclusively for the children. 

There are millions of homes where;

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  1. I TOTALLY understand what you are saying. My oldest was born 7 years ago and taking care of a baby threw me for a loop. I was clueless and I was so consumed with baby stuff that hubby felt, just like you mentioned here. We had one more child 3 years ago and I'm proud to say the "newness" has worn off. Hubby and I are back to where we should be.

    I send him text messages every now and then telling him I love and miss him. I make sure I look good for when he comes home. Stuff like that. You're's easy to forget how we cared so much about the details when there were no kids.

    This past February I did a Couples Love Challenge on my blog that dealt with this type of thing. I created a post that included all the days into one so anyone can do it anytime. I hope you check it out :-)

    I love your blog...I struggle with forgetting about femininity (I'm a girly tomboy) and sensuality...and your posts bring me right back where I need to be.

    You've inspired me to go out and find a own "signature" scent so to speak lol. I've just always used body sprays....well next year I'll be 30...time to grow up and move on to real perfumes!

  2. Wow! I truly LOVE your blogs! This one is so timely for me! Just this past Easter Sunday I was in church sitting next to a mother with a crying baby. The husband paid little to no attention to the baby at all. The mother left outside to tend to the crying baby and I could feel his eyes all on me!! Yikes!!!

  3. I completely agree. I believe that when a woman makes her husband the priority that it is actually better for the children in the big picture. When mom and dad are happy together the family will be stronger as a whole. It is a delicate dynamic though in the sense that when a woman makes her husband priority over the children the husband must be a good man and a capable head-of-household or else it won't work. Thanks for you wonderful articles! :)

  4. @ Angel; I'm so glad that you decided to share your experience with us. Thank you, doll!

    I think it's very important that women are aware of the possibilities of this happening (a baby becoming a husband's 'deadly rival.')

    I'm pleased to hear that newness finally wore off for you, and hubby is back to being 'King.' :-)

    As for perfume, I do like some of the Victoria's Secret body sprays. I also have a few favorites from Bath and Body Works.

    I really like their 'Dark Kiss' and 'Warm Vanilla Sugar' Scents, and can't believe how LONG they last.

    PS; your blog sounds great! I'll definitely check it out.

    @ Anon; thank you for dropping in, and your show of approval! God bless you!

    @ Miss Summer; you're welcome, dove!

    You've made a very GOOD point there - making your husband a priority over the children is better for the children in the bigger scheme of things.

    I agree wholeheartedly!


  5. I loved this post. You have a lot of courage to write such bold things for I know many a woman who would turn up their nose to this way of thinking. I absolutely agree with what you have said and the women that I know who do not understand this have either been in a divorce or are in a miserable marriage. I pity them for their pride. I from time to time ask myself if my priorities are in check and my attentions are well-balanced between my husband, my children and myself. I am a stay at home mom so I tend to have me-time and baby-time during my husband's work hours and then I reserve myself for him while tending to the baby when only necessary or when he is playing with baby. I also ask my husband every now and then what he thinks. Like the bible states God first, then your husband and then your children. It won't work any other way.

  6. Hi Charity.

    It sounds like you have it all sorted. Good for you, lovely! :-)

    I also agree with what the Bible says about prioritizing; God first, then your husband, then your children.

    Yes, it's the only way that works, but sadly many women may not understand that until it's too late.


  7. Great post! Individual replies informative as well!

  8. Why, thank YOU, Sapphire Spirit!

    Have a great day.


  9. This is great I am not married but I see a lot of my friends doing it. I am going to be more educated :)

  10. Well, hello there!

    I posted this article for not only for married girls, but single, unmarried girls.

    I'm pleased you liked it!


  11. Bravo... another well written and well said post.
    Thank you for your recent postings.
    I agree with you 100%. Although, I do not have children, many of my friends do, and I noticed a majority of their conversations were about baby, baby, babies. To cut their conversations short, I change the subject by asking specifically about HER and HER HUSBAND. Many of their responses had the similar tone and words, "oh yeah, we're fiiine." Which sounded like the complete opposite! Now I am glad to report that many of my friends have DATE NIGHT and make weekly arrangements for a babysitter! So happy for them...

    Keep writing and I'll keep reading!
    - Jennifer

  12. Very good post. I see women do this all the time, and I really can't relate at all. I love my children dearly, but they should never be put before the husband. It's not good for anyone. Imagine if the men did that to us! Also, I notice some of the women who do this seem to think something is wrong with the women who do not come off as obsessive about kids as they do, or who actually say loving things about the husband instead of making fun of him. Their facebook postings about their children can get tedious too. :)

  13. This is a great post.. unfortunately I've seen a perfectly good marriage unravel before my eyes because the woman loved her child to the point of obsession.. she completely neglected her husband. At first, he was patient but when he started to complain that's when things got ugly.. she lashed out on him accusing him of not loving their child enough and telling him that she loves her son more than she loves him, after that there was this sort of segregation in the house where the father was "the bad guy" and mother and child were "the good guys" ... well i think everyone can guess how things ended up.. It's so sad how some mothers think that in order to be a good mother she needs to leave everything and everyone for her child
    That's why I totally believe in moderation.. even in a mother's attention because we don't want to bring up a spoiled brat now do we? plus a woman should be caring for her husband not only because it's her duty but also to be a role model for her child.. to show him what a loving family is SUPPOSED to be like

  14. I know this is spot on because this is what happened in our marriage. I remember being told by a lady co-worker when I was pregnant for the first time, that I would discover a whole different kind of love for my child than the one I had for my husband. I didn't understand her at that time, but once our son was born, I was completely overwhelmed by this "new love." It was like nothing I'd ever felt before. I was so unbelievably happy and fulfilled in my role as mother, that I couldn't imagine what I'd been doing with my life before. I know this is uncomfortable for people to hear. But for me, someone who'd been raised in a very bad, dysfunctional household, and taught by observation and the message of the feminists in the 1970's and 1980's that "men were pigs" and "they only wanted one thing" ... it was an unbelievable relief to pour my love into this darling little creature who needed me for everything, looked at me adoringly, played and laughed, was small, sweet and cuddly. This love was pure. It wasn't tainted by worries about being used or taken for granted. It wasn't a love that required a constant communication and balacing act of wills and desires. It was easy. It made me happy in a way I'd never felt with my H. And it did cause a strain in our marriage off and on for years. We have never really recovered the "intimacy" we had to some degree in the early days..but my H is a kind, loyal man and he believes very strongly in commitment and duty. Our faith is what has kept us together, and now that the kids are nearly grown, I hope we will be able to create a new and better marriage than the one we had in the beginning.

  15. Hi,
    You know I totally agree with the things you are saying, though I'd like to make a point. I dress up, be feminine, goddess like etc for myself first and to please God. being in touch with my feminine essence makes me happy first. I do the things you mentioned in your other blogs because it makes me feel alive, not because of man. I do it for God, not for a man. Don't get me wrong, I totally agree with the things you are saying, but I don't live for a man and I'm not hanging and obsessing over how to please men. Your tips are great but your life is your life. Only you can make yourself happy. No man is going to miraculously solve all your problems. You need to make yourself happy first, to truly make others happy. I'm not married, but when I do have children I intend on putting my husband first. Why? Because it will make both of us happy and stronger. It is about 'us' not just 'him'.

    1. Rohima

      If you do it for your husband you ARE doing it for God. I have been married for over 20 years and this is how mom did it, it should be how America does it, and its worked out pretty Biblical so far.

      ...a spin off on what Tony Stark says in the first Iron Man. ;o)

      no man is going to miraculously solve all your problems. one is perfect, Rohima no not one. male OR female.

      I am not sure what kind of man you maybe looking for but my man calls me beautiful and I continue to keep smiling. Rohima, if I can attract single men and I am married, ( in my 40's with three kids) think of the advantage you have! Like my husband keeps telling me... I am different from other women. Put that smile on sister and be happy. Your email sounds angry and let's face it, it does not look good on us. Best wishes to you and all single and married sisters out there!

  16. makes sense, thanx for dis perspective on things Melina :)

  17. Well this has happened to me but the other way around: / once the baby arrived my H changed at first I was like that’s good that he is very attentive. He had stated he wanted to be completely the opposite of his father. Well as time passed I had told him that I am feeling left out, no physical or emotional support from him. I have and still feel as if I am all the way in the back sit of a school bus. When they are playing and I jump in he checks out or stops playing, Is like he wants our son to himself. Which funny enough my mother had told me this when my 3 yrs old was a baby.
    Well I had asked him for separation because although he is an excellent father he has become a very lousy husband. He started crying and asked that we go to marriage counseling. I told him it shouldn’t have come as a surprise I have been telling him this for the past 3 yrs and last year I told him that this year 2013 was my final year. What hit me was when my son asked him why he doesn’t look at me in eyes, and he also tells his dear father “kiss/hug mommy daddy” and it hit me our son is learning and making future paths for how his relationship/marriage will be in the future and I don’t want my son to grow up in a loveless household. He has changed to much, from the lack of physical, emotional support and his behavior with my family when they come to town.
    My uncle and his family drove 10 hrs to spend Christmas with us what does he do, he goes and eats in the kitchen by himself! My cousin of 4 yrs was asking us “why is he eating in the kitchen by himself and not here with us” we just all looked at each other because I didn’t know what to say. Or he just doesn’t want to talk to anyone. When my grandmother passed away and I had returned no emotional support at all. He doesn’t talk to my mom at all, my Mom tries to speak to him and he acts as if he doesn’t understand her. He wasn’t like that 7 years ago! He wants to go to counseling but I just really want out. But I am going to go to counseling; my mind is closed right now I am trying to have an open mind before I get there. He is trying I have to give him that but I don’t want pity sex or fake motivation/support or interest. He has told me that he will change but I don’t want him to change who he is becoming because of me. Everyone has to grow and has a path. I just really don’t think that path is meant for the both of us.